1. Will the real defender of human rights please stand up?
2. The reality of child abuse
3. The impact of child abuse
4. Pointers to sexual molestation in children
5. Does God offer an answer?
6. Why do Christians continue to suffer the consequences?
7. Conclusion
8. Testimony  (Watch an online video on The Impact Incest in Adulthood)

Will the real Defender of human rights please stand up?

A tribute to our God, the Father of the fatherless and a defender of the oppressed

Important note: In writing this section I need to start off by expressing appreciation for the many people who selflessly and tirelessly work to alleviate the suffering of the oppressed - we need many more of them. This section does not wish to downplay their work and sacrifice, or to cast a shadow over their motivation. Yet it is necessary to point out that there are also those who seem to be working for the benefit of the vulnerable, yet use that situation to secretly exploit the vulnerable. This is the burden that many years of ministry to the broken and vulnerable has brought to my life, and I have to state clearly, because many of those who suffer the consequences of childhood molestation, of every kind, suffered under the hands of those who were supposed to protect and guide them - often those who were seen as their protectors. Those who experienced this will recognise the expression of falsehood described here, and the devastation it brought into their lives - and as Christians we need to face this truth and uphold the rights of the vulnerable and suffering if we want to make a real difference that will have a meaningful and lasting impact. (Read Mat.18 to see God's heart for children - this is what we need to portray, and this is the burden of this section).

We live in a time where it is fashionable to raise your voice and demand human rights. We find more and more people championing the cause of the oppressed, spending their energy to bring release to the poor, the suppressed, voiceless multitudes.

Yet when we look at the outcome of so many words spoken, so much energy spent, so much money spent, what do we see? We read of more than 20 000 successful abortions performed legally in our country (South Africa) in the name of human rights. We read of crime (against children and the vulnerable) becoming the major characteristic of our society that prides itself of having a constitution that finally defends the rights of all the peoples of our land. We read that more children are killed in wars over the past years than soldiers. We see children being forced into becoming soldiers to fight the wars of those driven by greed and hungry for power. We know (but choose to remain silent) about the wealthy who go on "sex tours" in "poorer" countries where children are made available to them sexually. Yet we also hear more and more people taking pride in the fact that finally human rights is finally getting the attention it deserves all over the world.

Who pays the price for such deception? Invariably the children. The voiceless multitudes of children suffer silently under the systems of society. It is the children that really carry the burden of the inner sickness of the adults of the day in any society. Show me how you treat your children, and I'll know the truth of your cry for human rights.

But let's close the circle a bit. It is easy to wave our hands over planet earth and point fingers saying "Shame on you" to others as they pay lip service to the concept of human rights. What happens in our homes?

Child abuse in all its different manifestations is a clear pointer indicating the extent of our society's inner brokenness. We can sit in church every Sunday, be a respected leader in society, but do we exploit children or turn a blind eye when they are exploited?

Whether it is sexual, physical, or emotional, child abuse is a reality with a built-in delay. Today's abuse will be known in 20 years or more, because many children who suffered severe abuse bury that fact in their hearts and live broken lives for decades until the burden finally becomes too heavy to carry and the wall breaks - until they finally share the secret with somebody. "I was sexually molested by a family member, someone whom I trusted". "I was raped at knife-point by a man when I was 12 years old". "I had to hide in my room and stay clear of my parents for days as they raged and fought in the house. I learnt to spend all my time alone in my room, too embarrassed to bring friends home". "I was sexually molested by our pastor." "I was molested by an older cousin". "I was sexually molested by my father, my mother, both my parents". And the list continues of stories unfolding the truth that most sexual molestation does not take place where the perpetrator is a stranger to the child, but rather where the child knows and trusts the person. This makes its impact even more devastating.

These and other stories are common in a ministry where we offer help to people struggling with sexual problems or severe relational problems. Unfortunately the cycle repeats itself, and those who suffered severe abuse in childhood might end up living such broken lives themselves when they reach adulthood that they become the ones to exploit the vulnerable in their turn.

What am I saying? That all those who work for human rights are secretly perpetrators of human rights? No, I am merely pointing out the sad fact that we often live with double standards when it comes to human rights, and that it is mostly children that pay the price for our double standards. Young children pay the price for the sex-mad society, a society that turns a blind eye when young children are chained to beds in brothels to be available to the customers and those on sex tours. Young children die of hunger when we choose to fight over our different philosophies instead of using our resources to produce food. The children pay the highest price in any society's inner brokenness. We cannot escape this fact.

Who can we turn to? Who can heal the broken hearts of our children? Who can mend the broken lives of those who silently carry the secrets in their hearts of the abuse they endured in childhood? We need somebody that will not speak out of his/her own brokenness when championing human rights. We need somebody powerful enough to truly mend a broken heart. We need somebody that is powerful enough to make a real difference. Where can we find such a person but in our God himself? Hasn't He proven Himself over the centuries to be the protector of the defenseless, a father to the fatherless, the one that is powerful enough to break the power of the oppressors and defend the case of the oppressed?

Can we bear it that He should look into our hearts as we join the crowd crying for human rights? Can we take up His cry for human rights, or can we only cope with the version of human rights that is fashionable and politically correct in our time? His version of a cry for human rights led Him to Calvary. Where does our cry for human rights lead us? Does the cry for human rights that we utter echo the spirit of Calvary?

Through the centuries Satan has always been the great deceiver. When we look back in history, we often find that the very thing that he tries to destroy becomes the words in the mouths of his agents, as if they are championing those things. Are we being deceived to believe that we are working to advance the rights of all people while in actual fact we are being robbed of our most basic dignity - that of being human? When I look at the reasoning behind legalising abortion, just to mention one, I get that impression. Does anybody stop to tell those countless mothers that sign up for abortion what impact it will have on their lives? Does anybody stop to be a voice for the voiceless multitude of unborn children being aborted? Are we guilty of crying for human rights while we rob the voiceless of the right to be human?

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The reality of child abuse

Why do we start off with a look at human rights when we want to have a look at child abuse? Very simply because a society where the adults live with the reality of brokenness in their hearts cannot live out the true meaning of human rights from God's perspective. The mere fact that it has become such an intense cry in our time is an indication of our inner brokenness - to respect human life and the rights of human beings to live with dignity is a basic value of any healthy society. The intensity of the cry for human rights, as well as the way in which we give application to that cry, clearly points to a society that is very broken at its core.

Even though we live in a time when children are encouraged to report any abuse and speak up rather than to keep the secret in their heart, it is still true that only a fraction of the incidents of child abuse are reported.

There are many reasons for the fact that child abuse is often not reported, but some of the most prevalent ones are that children are often told by the adults that abuse them that they shouldn't talk - the children are sometimes even threatened by those that abuse them to keep them from speaking up. Another reason is that children tend to remain loyal to the adults that abuse them. Especially if it is someone they love, like a parent or grandparent, they feel that they cannot speak up due to a sense of loyalty to the person. Maybe the most heart breaking of all reasons is the fact that, especially with sexual molestation, the children enjoy the attention they receive and enjoy the pleasure they get from the molestation. They might in fact end up going back to the abuser of their own accord for more. If this happens, the child becomes convinced in later life that he/she must be very bad to enjoy something as evil as that. They end up thinking that they actually are to blame for the abuse. Those children who have been abused often start to do the same things to other children, and in this way pass on the state of inner brokenness they themselves experience. Among such children the abuse often manifests as games at first, but it soon becomes a strong passion for more.

Being involved in a ministry where we focus on assisting those who become Christians from a background of sexual brokenness, the clear link between being molested as a child and becoming an adult that lives a life of sexual brokenness in ways that cause devastation to ourselves and those around us, is very obvious. Of course not all people who live lives of sexual promiscuity were abused in some way or another as children, but the high percentage that were molested sexually also cannot be ignored. We have to be truthful and clearly say that when we hear the broken confessions from those that carried the secret for years and see the impact that that fact has had on their lives, we cannot but sound the alarm. Child abuse is a reality in our society and silence about it will not make the problem go away. We often choose to ignore the signs when we see them in our children, because responding to it would be too costly in our own lives.

In the years to come when the children of today have grown up and cannot carry the burden in their hearts any longer, the stories of child abuse of our day will be heard. Do we have to wait until the secrets in their heart have caused them to waste years of their lives and brought much brokenness to themselves and others around them before we face up to the truth? Today's abused child might become tomorrow's child abuser. Can we break this cycle? Do we as Christians have something to offer?

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The impact of child abuse

What is the impact of abuse on a child? What are the common traits to be found in adults who were abused as children? Of course it is always dangerous to categorise consequences, because we are individuals responding to our circumstances in different ways. Yet there are some consequences that cut deeply into our very being and manifest almost universally in those who were abused.

We are only going to look at two very prevalent consequences only. Those who suffered severe abuse in childhood, whether it was physical, emotion or sexual, lose the ability to trust. The other very common consequence is that they lose their identity and self-respect as a human being, easily falling into a role of being a doormat in relationships.

1. Losing the ability to trust.

When a child is abused by someone they love and have a sense of loyalty to, such as a family member, a friend of their parents, a pastor, or teacher, or friend, they often lose the ability to trust anybody. They start to look at all attention with distrust, expecting to be exploited in some way. Anybody that has some authority over them becomes a threat to them.

This fact leads them to develop very definite defense mechanisms in the way they relate to others. The most prevalent relational consequences are that they cannot relax under authority. They always work their way up to be in a position of leadership, because they can only trust themselves. They always see the faults in those who are in positions of leadership and find it impossible to follow such "ungodly" leaders. They feel restricted and frustrated when they have to submit to authority. Because of their inability to trust others, they tend to control others when they are in any form of leadership. They just cannot lead by example and service like Jesus taught us to, so they are often burning themselves out in the process as they try to keep control over every individual and all detail.

In their personal lives they very often find themselves in a position where they easily fall into emotionally dependent relationships, while they also portray an image of strength. They often find themselves in a position where people would come to them for counsel and help. In fact, they might even compensate for the agony in their own heart by throwing themselves into a ministry where they spend most of their energy trying to help others. They are often found in positions where they are the protectors of children, or where they counsel others with sexual and relational problems.

The most agonising reality of a life lived with the undealt-with consequences of childhood abuse is the fact that they are unable to maintain healthy relationships. They are often very skillful in starting a friendship, and might be a wonderful companion at first. But as time passes they become demanding, jealous, possessive, self-centered and destructive in the relationship, so that the wonderful relationship that existed turns into a nightmare. It is a life where human relationships become the most tormenting reality for them - they inwardly cry out for someone that will be loyal, while the reality of the way in which they relate leads them from one broken friendship to the other. The self-fulfilling prophecy that nobody is trustworthy becomes the driving force behind an ever-increasing drive to be in control of situations and people.

A façade of super-spirituality is often the outcome of the inability to trust others within the Christian context. Those that live such lives are often leading in a very "spiritual" way where they become the voice of God that everybody has to follow if they want to be obedient to God.

2. Losing the identity of being human.

This is another very common characteristic to be found in those who suffered physical, emotional or sexual abuse as children.

God created us in His image, as the pinnacle of His creation. He clothed us with dignity and gave us His own identity to carry. Yet those who suffered abuse were treated in a way where these realities were not confirmed in them, but rather actively violated and crushed. People who suffer from having lost their identity easily fall into a life where they accept being treated in inhuman ways and even seek out friends that will treat them in this way. They also easily treat others in a totally inhuman way without as much as a thought about the fact that they are unreasonable and destructive in their demands.

This attitude of theirs easily leads them from one relationship to the other where they are abused and neglected, feeding their hatred of people and God. Yet they do not face up to the fact that it is by their own choice that they do not to take up their position. They might pay lip service to the knowledge that they are created in God's image, being placed as a ruler on earth. Yet in real life they shy away from taking responsibility for their own life or for the tasks they are called upon to fulfil. That keeps them in a position where they always find themselves being controlled and being ordered around by others.

People in this situation would fight for freedom, only to grope back for the safety of being someone else's slave as soon as they are called upon to take the responsibility of being a free person in God's image. They avoid taking responsibility and prefer to be ordered around by others, all the while hating those who "control" them. They also end up manipulating and possessing the very life of those that love them and live close to them.

3. A few consequences of sexual abuse

There is no real reason for distinguishing between sexual abuse and other forms of childhood abuse when we look at the relational or emotional consequences. There are some realities of sexual molestation of children that we need to point out though when we look at the development of sexual behaviour and the added consequences thereof. What is the impact of being sexually awakened at a young age?

We need to mention first of all that God created sex to be enjoyed within the context of marriage. A very basic reality of sex is therefore that we are designed not to stop being active sexually once we are awakened sexually. Marriage is supposed to last until we die. This fact is a major cause of problems for children who are sexually molested. We are going to point out only a few consequences.

Firstly, once sexually awakened, children often set out looking for sex. They often do not understand what they get involved in. They might not even know that they are involved in sexual behaviour, but they start to seek sexual expression in relating to other children and even adults. This leads them into lives of sexual promiscuity. They lose the ability to just relate to people, other children and adults, in a non-sexual way. All relationships become sexualised in the sense that they are sexually aware whenever they are close to someone. In this way they do not only miss out on learning healthy relational skills, but also learn to build relationships using sex as the basis.

Those abused by someone that they love over a period of time might end up becoming active participants in the sexual encounters. Even if they were abused only once, the encounter might have been enjoyable and loving, leaving them with a desire for more attention of that kind. People that fall into this category, where they started to go back to the abuser for more, or maybe just longed for the abuser to approach them again, find it very difficult to regain a sense of self-respect in adulthood. They very often fall back into a life of self-punishment over and over, believing that they deserve nothing better than a life of sexual promiscuity, or at least a life where they are constantly paying for their past sexual promiscuity. They see themselves as dirty and very wicked.

Children who are sexually awakened at a young age are often unable to allow any closeness in even the most natural of human relationships. They hide away from any closeness, learning from a young age to live a double life where even those close to them would not know what they are busy with. Even though nobody might have told them that what they involve themselves in is wrong, the inner awareness that it is wrong causes them to hide their sexual pursuits from their parents, becoming very introverted and isolated from a young age.

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Pointers to sexual molestation of a child

Are there some pointers that might indicate that a child has been abused sexually? Apart from the consistent isolation already mentioned above, which is much different from being a naturally shy child, there are some pointers. In this area we run the risk of setting up witch-hunts, which is not what we intend. There are, however, some indications that we might want to prayerfully investigate without letting our fear get the better of us. We are going to mention only a few:

1. Is the child wetting the bed regularly without any apparent reason?

2. Has there been a sudden change in the child's character? Did the child suddenly become silent, rebellious or secretive? Did the child's circle of friends suddenly change?

3. Does the child have a habit of playing away from adult oversight, often going to quiet places with his/her friends? Does the child often play under the blanket with his/her friends?

4. Is the child sexually aware? Does the child understand sexual undertones in adult relationships? Does the child respond with embarrassment or aggression when touched in certain parts of the body? Is the child pre-occupied with his/her private parts beyond the phase of natural exploration that children go through?

5. Does the child respond with an unnatural fear to being alone with a specific adult, or maybe an unnatural closeness to a specific adult? Often adults from within a family that abuse a child will shower that child with gifts and make arrangements to have time alone with that child beyond just normal love for children. This is often what keeps the child silent in the cycle of abuse - they enjoy the special attention they get from the abuser, especially if they are then preferred over the other children.

6. Does the child become moody, demanding and uncontrollable when not able to see a friend or family member who they normally see a lot for some time?

We must be careful not to become paranoid and seek for signs of sexual molestation around every corner. But we also need to be informed so that we can assist our children and not allow them to become one of those who carry the heavy burden of having been abused as a child for many years before they speak about it.

The sooner any abuse can be identified and addressed, the less impact it will have on the child as he/she grows up. If you have reason to suspect that your child has been molested sexually, seek help to assist your child if you feel ill equipped to help your child. Do not, however live in denial if obvious signs present themselves to you. Living in denial will undoubtedly lead to your childbeing exposed to the consequences, whereas facing up to reality could help to safeguard your child from the devastating consequences of child abuse. Many lives could have taken a different turn if only concerned adults would have taken the painful route of addressing child abuse rather than continuing in silence to keep peace at all cost. Children are entrusted to us by God to take care of them on His behalf - we cannot allow the silence of their suffering to be a license for our carelessness.

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Does God offer an Answer?

Child abuse is not mentioned explicitly in the Bible. Does that mean that God does not care about it? Heaven forbid! The Bible is full of God's very deep concern for children and His anger when we abuse and wrong them (e.g. Mat 18:5-7).

As Christians we have the privilege of being able to introduce people to the real champion of human rights. God proved Himself to be the One that really cares. He gave his very life to set us free from sin and its consequences. He is powerful enough to change lives completely. He is the great Comforter.

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Why do so many Christians continue to suffer under the consequences of childhood abuse?

Why then, do so many people who become Christians, continue to carry the relational and emotional consequences of childhood abuse, even while living active and busy lives serving in the Church?

We believe there are quite a few reasons for that. We are going to look at a few of the most prevalent ones only.

1. The 20 percent trick

This is something many people try when they decide to deal with the impact of the painful experiences of their childhood. They find someone they can muster enough courage to trust (usually someone whom they know they can manipulate), and then see that person, telling only part of the problem. The most painful realities they remain silent about. Yet they expect that a few sessions with the person, where they speak their heart, should do the trick. They expect total freedom to be the result.

Many people try this over and over in their lives, only to resign themselves to a life of inner turmoil in the end. They make peace with a pseudo-freedom where they live a life of outward commitment to God while they inwardly cry out for an intimate relationship with God. They end up becoming masters of compensation, where they redefine godliness to be found in the image they portray rather than an inner reality of a close walk with God, inner purity and a fulfilled and satisfied life with God.

2. The servitude trick

We easily bargain with God and settle to live a life of "forced labor" for God that we call humility and commitment. We even find verses in the Bible to prove that our attitude is Biblical. Didn't the apostles call themselves slaves of Christ?

Yet the truth is that the God of the Bible is the God who gave His life to buy our freedom. It is a very releasing experience to be enslaved to the One who gave His life to buy your freedom! God wants to set us free to live lives where we portray His image, being His representatives on earth. Yet we often turn away from the freedom, making rules to live by rather. We feel safer like that. We have to make up for our past sins. Salvation cannot be such that we are completely set free from everything of our past. We fabricate some reason to carry the burden with us still. 2 Cor 5:17 remains a foreign concept for us.

Is there a cry for complete freedom in your heart? God gave His life to have the right to offer you exactly that! Do not delay in going to Him.

What is the price of freedom? You have to give Him your whole life. There has to be a commitment to allow God to address all the consequences, not only sexual consequences, of the broken life that you lived. You have to turn away from your pre-occupation with human relationships and start to focus on building a relationship with God. He can cope with your broken ways of relating without becoming part of the problem - human beings cannot help you to freedom. Ask God to teach you how He relates and start to follow Him rather than to seek human role models and run from one intense friendship to the other. Break out of the cycle of addiction to human beings!

We often cling for dear life to the rags we know, because we do not see the robe of righteousness He offers! We are the losers if we continue to do that.

3. Not realising that they are carrying the consequences

Many people who come from a background of abuse of some kind have grown up with relational patterns that they have come to accept as normal, as part of their personality. Yet they are tormented by the very relationships they value most. They also torment, isolate and destroy anybody that seeks to build a lasting relationship with them without even realising it.

Are we willing to ask God to show us the depth of brokenness of our relational skills, the way we relate to those nearest to us, which falls short of His high purpose for us?

We see very often how very gifted people are unable to develop to their full potential because they refuse to acknowledge that they are still controlled by the fear to trust, they are still tormented with a view of themselves that robs them of their identity in God. The most prevalent temptation here is to replace a real and deep, intimate relationship with God with religion. An outward image of religiosity cannot satisfy the inner cry for reality and intimacy in our relationship with God.

Are we willing to acknowledge that it is in the final instance our inability to trust God that causes us to continue to seek comfort and acceptance from people? Are we willing to acknowledge that it is our inability to accept God's offer of complete freedom that keeps us bound in a life where we remain the slave of our own broken relational skills (and other people remain the victims thereof)? Do we want complete freedom where we are comfortable to take responsibilities without trying to control people and circumstances? Do we want freedom where we can live in the reality of being in God's image, taking up the life He calls on us to live without making other people responsible for us?

Even worse: Can we acknowledge that our inability to build constructive relationships extends to our relationship with God, that we even relate to Him in our broken ways and blame Him for our continual struggle? Can we ask Him to teach us to relate to Him in a healthy way and no longer in our broken ways? Are we going to follow Him when He leads us away from our familiar ways of relating to a life of real and lasting freedom where we are free to submit to authority, free to love and be loved without becoming demanding, because we trust God? Can we allow God to move us on to a life where we no longer manipulate and control others to take responsibility for our life, but we start to start to take that responsibilities ourselves as we learn to embrace our real identity in God?

4. Denial

Many people who experienced the trauma of childhood abuse, whether physical, emotional or sexual, suppress that reality or often play it down as if it wasn't that bad. Denying something does not take away its impact upon our lives, it might even aggravate its impact upon us.

Can we trust God and start to walk the painful road of facing up to the pain and follow Him through the forest of intense and fearful emotions about the abuse towards lasting freedom? Denial will keep us bound to our past. God wants to give us complete freedom. Can we trust Him and start the walk to freedom?

5. Wrong ways of offering assistance

Unfortunately we as Christians often fall into the trap of offering the same help that the world offers, but we just call things by a spiritual name. That way we become as effective as the world can be. Are we willing to go back to the Bible and offer the freedom that God offers? Do we believe passages like 2 Tim 3:16,17 in our own lives? Do we really believe that we'll find all answers to the issues pertaining to life in Scripture? We live in a time where we pay lip service to Scripture and follow secular science in the counsel we offer. Are we willing to confess our unbelief to God and start to offer the gospel like the Bible offers it?

To give but one example of how we have come to believe secular science instead of the Bible, take a look at 1 Cor 6:9-11. There the Bible states clearly that freedom from homosexuality is a reality in Christ. Yet we have moved far down the line to offer the same counsel to those from a homosexual background that the world offers - embrace your lot in life, just do not practise your orientation. Yet the gospel offers complete freedom, not only from the practise, but from the orientation as well. Why do I mention homosexuality in the context of abuse? Because a large percentage of the homosexual people that I have worked with over the years come from a background where they were abused either sexually or otherwise. Can we offer The Message of freedom, or do we proclaim the fatalistic views of secular science as "the gospel"?

Apart from the fact that we water down the gospel, we often also do not take into account the realities of the problems we are addressing when we offer assistance to those from an abused background. Let's look at a few:

i) Child Abuse causes severe relational problems in adulthood

We often lose sight of the fact that childhood abuse leads to relational problems in adulthood in the first instance. The people that seek help are often very emotional and seek a lot of emotional support. We fall into a relational trap if we give in to this demand. Many people who tried to help those from a background of abuse found themselves entangled in a destructive web of relational issues sooner or later, having become part of the problem rather than being able to offer help.

Very often people who tried to help those from a very traumatic background end up afterwards, when they disentangled themselves from the intense relational problems in the end, deciding not to involve themselves in trying to help such people ever again. In this way they steer clear of those with the problem instead of offering freedom.

We need to keep in mind that we offer help to people that cannot handle human relationships. Friendship discipling does not bring lasting freedom. It often gives a sense of release for the person seeking help in the short term, but it does not move the person on to real freedom. They become dependent on the assistance of the counsellor and only live a free life for as long as they get the attention they crave. Often those from an abused background become Christians only to become regulars to Christian counsellors. If they do not have a problem, they'll even create one just so that they will have a reason to see a counsellor. Is that the freedom Christ died for? Surely something is amiss in such a life.

People that have been violated at a young age and lost their identity as human beings as a result are often addicted to human friendships / relationships. They do not necessarily want a sexual relationship; they just become extremely possessive and jealous towards those who try to help them. Since Christian counselling is often free and they mix as equals with the counsellor in other activities in the church, this is a very prevalent problem in the church. It can be the start of exclusive and very unhealthy friendships that might last for years. Some even move on to start ministries together and spend most of their active lives "working for the Lord" together. Many such relationships started where the one "counselled" the other and continues to portray a relational character where they spend all their time together, being demanding, possessive and jealous of the other. Is this the freedom Christ died for?

Churches should be very responsible in the way they allow those who seek help from counsellors to relate to "their" counsellors outside of the counselling situation. It is not ever healthy to allow a friendship to develop - it only creates a short-term façade of health in the one seeking the counsel, but does not bring about the kind of freedom that Christ died for. As a church we need to realise that part of portraying God's image is to also relate in a godly way - we cannot tolerate ungodly relational patterns while we insist on godly character in Christian ministry.

ii) People from a sexually promiscuous background are often addicted to sex

Christian counsellors are often not prepared for the fact that people who became sexually active at a very young age could actually be addicted to sex. Coming out of sexual sin for them has all the elements of breaking an addiction. Sex became their whole life, the only focus of every relationship.

The intensity of the struggle to come free can be more than what many people can bear watching, so they start to take responsibility for the person they try to help. In this way they become part of the problem. They do not realise that the amount of attention they give the person causes the person to sexualise the relationship with them in their minds, so that they are actually feeding the addiction rather than helping the person to freedom. It is like counselling alcohol addicts with a glass of wine in your hands.

Can we be responsible and realise that our very presence in the situation poses a problem for the person? Can we realise that sexually and relationally we can only be a stumbling block? We need to find ways in which to cause the person to focus on God, to turn to God, not to us.

It is easy to see how those who became Christians from a sexually broken background can end up trying to help those from a sexually promiscuous background finding freedom. It is very possible that a counselling situation is the place where two needs meet (the one needing to receive attention to feel valuable and the other needing to help someone to feel valuable) rather than a situation where lasting freedom comes. It is a sad state that in the church, as much as outside of the church, emotionally dependent relationships (and sometimes even sexual relationships) start in a counselling situation.

iii) People from a sexually promiscuous background have problems with the human body

This fact is closely related to the previous discussion, but goes a bit further. We need to realise that the human body has become a problem for them. We cannot hope to focus their attention on God if we allow our bodies to come too close to them (like giving them the hug they crave so much) or do not cover ourselves properly in the way we dress.

Would you put an alcoholic in a room behind a closed door alone with a bottle of alcohol? We need to realise that we are doing that to people from a sexually broken background if we counsel them one to one behind a closed door. There is no way that they are going to be able to focus their attention on God with one human being, often such a caring human being, so close to them. No wonder they become more and more demanding in the amount of time they want to spend with us in counselling. These people often end up going from one counsellor to another for years of their Christian life rather than to grow up spiritually. Is that the kind of freedom Christ died for? Surely not, and those of us counselling others should be the ones to address this state of affairs rather than to continue to create and maintain the structures within the church to keep people in such a pseudo-freedom.

iv) People from a background of abuse know only a life of oppression and slavery - we need to define real freedom for them.

We need to be aware that those that seek help from a background of childhood abuse will be very likely to have one of two ways of controlling people:

They might be very controlling and maybe even aggressive towards authority figures. These people should not be allowed to build personal friendships with spiritual leaders in the church. Spiritual leaders should be made aware of the fact that befriending themselves with such people does not help the people, but in fact keeps them in bondage. By befriending themselves with the spiritual leaders, these people make sure that they remain in control of the situation. That way they gain a standing in the church without ever really dealing with their problems. Even years after they have become Christians they gained very little more than a Christian vocabulary, living a life of pseudo freedom, but they are still struggling with the same relational issues that they did initially. Is that the freedom Christ died for? Is that the freedom the church should offer? Surely not!

On the other hand, they might control people by being everybody's slave. They always have problems and are in need of assistance. Although it is normal for young Christians to need assistance, the church needs to respond if the person does not grow up to start taking responsibility for his/her own life.

Both of these two ways of controlling have one thing in common - the people living like this become very spiritual. They are often the ones who become very radical in their Christianity, losing the ability to mix on any level with people other than by being religious. There is a vast difference between someone saturated with the love of Christ in every area of their life and a life of religion. Always remember that God's salvation will lead us on to become truly human in the way God intended for us to be. We very often define spirituality in terms of our ability to deny our humanity rather than in being truly human while portraying God's image. Jesus portrayed this for us when He was on earth. We need to distinguish between spiritualising and true spirituality. How will we know the difference? The Bible is clear - by the fruit. A Christianity that does not move us on to an increasing manifestation of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22) is not authentic Christianity.

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Conclusion

Maybe you have read this article and your heart cried out silently because it describes you. May I encourage you to reach out to God. He wants to set you free from the impact of childhood abuse. Even though it might be more painful to acknowledge, sexual abuse is often more easily identifiable than other forms of abuse. Yet the symptoms of abuse are there for you to see, acknowledge and to seek help:

You might stumble from one emotionally dependent relationship to the other. You might continue to struggle with emotional problems no matter how hard you try to serve God better. You might continue to struggle with impure thoughts, masturbation, and pornography no matter how hard you try to overcome it. Your long-standing relationships might end up in destructive patterns that become unbearable for the other person and sometimes for yourself - self-centeredness, being demanding, jealous and possessive destroy all relationships in the end.

Take heart. God does have the answer. You do not need to live a life of pseudo-freedom for the rest of your days on earth. Complete freedom is possible and can be yours. Do you desire that? Commit your life afresh to God, giving Him permission to lead the way rather than to continue being in control even of your relationship with God.

If you need more structured assistance in overcoming the impact of childhood abuse in your own life, contact Truth Transforms for more information. There is complete freedom from the consequences of childhood abuse. Christ died so that we might have life, and have it abundantly (Joh 10:10). Don't settle for second best in your walk with God!

Mariana van der Walt
April 1998

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Testimony

You may also want to listen to the audio testimony of one of our staff members, describing the impact of childhood molestation on her adult and Christian life. 

Watch an online video about the adult impact of incest.

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