This testimony was delivered at a live event of Truth Transforms on July 18, 2009.  The name of the lady is not made public. 

Most of my life went by in a daze. I used to think “what is wrong with me”? If you had told me years ago that I was molested as a child I would have had a good laugh.  I refused to remember what happened to me as a child. I blanked out the memories from my mind because of the trauma I experienced, even though I had dreams for years about the places at the beach where I was molested.

The sexual abuse happened mostly at home. I had incestuous relationships in our family. Most of the sexual abuse happened when I was young but the emotional and relational abusive relationships lasted for most of my adult life. An adult family member sexually abused me as a teenager and I became pregnant. An abortion was arranged for me.

At high school, I read a pornography book which had no pictures but I had sexual fantasies afterwards and began to masturbate regularly.

As a result of all of this, I became promiscuous and was addicted to sex.

As a child I was sent to Sunday school every Sunday and I got saved at the age of 18 years.  I got saved because I was afraid of the divorce my parents were talking about and I felt vulnerable. Also, I did not want to go to hell. So, I cried while I was being counselled when I got saved. I wasn’t sure if I had done the right thing.

Very little changed in my life and I became religious on the outside and I felt unfulfilled on the inside. I did not live a pure, holy life before God. I was rebellious towards God and made decisions benefitting  only me. I took care of myself first and then everybody else;  even God had second place in my life.

Sexually, I had male and female sex partners as a teenager and preferred to have male friends. However, a female family member molested me for many years but that stopped when I was a teenager. The sex stopped but the emotional dependency and the unhealthy relationship lasted all my life. I was possessive of her and jealous of anyone she admired. I wanted her attention but hated her at the same time. I never thought of myself as a Lesbian nor did I see myself in a Lesbian relationship with her. And yet I was involved sexually and emotionally with another woman.

We knew almost all each other’s movements.   When I needed money or sympathy, I knew where to go to, as an adult. It was payback time for those who messed up my life. I always felt like I had a heavy burden which I carried around with me, but I never associated the burden with this relationship, which weighed me down so much.

I became bitter and blamed everyone around me for the choices I had made.  Eventually I allowed my body to be used for sex without feeling much for the men I was involved with sexually. I was cold emotionally and did not really care about other people’s emotions. I had no interest in pleasing anyone.

I became pregnant, because of my lifestyle and I planned 2 abortions. With the one abortion,  I was told by my family to “get rid of it”! And the other, I thought that I could not be a single parent of 2 small children, as I already had one child.  My life was turning out to be a disaster. I did not feel like I belonged to anyone. I felt alone.

At this time of my life I was emotionally dead. I lived from day to day without planning much. I would accept love and friendship from others but did not know how to give love. Real love was foreign to me. I lived a detached life from society. I felt like I was living outside of society, even though I went to church most Sundays.

During this time, after the abortions, I expected God to strike me down with some terrible disease or even death because I thought that I deserved it or worse. I saw God as someone to fear rather than to respect and love. I only prayed when I was in trouble or if I was desperate. When things were going well, I was just happy, but that never lasted long. 

I did not have a relationship with God, more like a business relationship. I always expected Him to take care of me and I wanted the benefits of being a Christian but did not want to live in obedience to God. I wanted to tell God what happens next. I was my own god.

I became depressed and anxious a few years later and needed psychotherapy and antidepressants. I fell in love with the psychiatrist and I stopped the sessions because I felt that I was going there for the wrong reasons. I became obsessed with this kind person. I could not even have a relationship with a therapist! So I thought now God is the last person who can help me.

Throughout the psychotherapy, I had this idea in my head that the therapist could not really help me. But I did not tell anyone about it. I became depressed a few years later and needed medication again. 

One day I picked up a pamphlet of Truth Transforms and I went to the seminar. I was amazed that the speaker knew so much about living a double life. A life of misery on the inside, while on the outside I seemed fine. And I would tell everyone that I was fine. I put on a happy face.

I also discovered that I was molested as a child because I used to play sexual games with other children who were friends and family. I always used to think that for children to play sexual games was a normal thing to do – everybody does it.

I applied to do the discipleship course because I thought that this is my only chance. I did not want to continue living in such degradation any longer. I wanted God to take away the sexual fantasies and fix my life so that I would be “normal”. I wanted the loneliness and the feeling of being isolated from everyone, to disappear. I had a shopping list of things I wanted to change.

But God in His wisdom and grace wanted me to have a new life. I wanted to Him to shine up my old person but He sent His Son so that I could have abundant life, so that I can have an entirely, new life. I wanted a patch-up job and He had more in store for me. He wanted me to be completely free.

I learned how to pray and have a relationship with Him. I saw that I can have a pure life. I want to live the same life on the inside as I am on the outside. I never thought that was possible, because I lived with deception and I told lies all my life. I always hid my real self from people. 

I can now say that I can be honest in my relationships and I do not have to fear rejection because my relationship with God takes first place no matter what anyone says or thinks about me. I know that I can be honest with God and that is all that matters to me.

I could give Him my life in exchange for a new life. I discovered that He died for my sins, each one of them. He suffered and died for all the lies and deception and my participation in idolatry and adultery.  I used to steal and I tried to steal life from others.

I saw Lesbianism as an identity and not as a sin like all the other sins mentioned in the Bible. I also thought that God did not die for that sin too. But He did. He died for the shame and guilt which I felt all the years. Jesus died for each of my sins. For a while I did not believe that He really died for all my sins. I learned that I had to accept His forgiveness. And accept the price He paid for my sin. He paid with His life. My wasted filthy life was exchanged for His precious Life. I needed a Saviour to rescue me from a life steeped in sin.

I had secret sin which I hid because I was ashamed of what I had become. When I told Him by confessing my sin, and I asked Him to create new life in me. That is what He has been doing.  I am so glad that He took the time to love me when I was full of sin, He loved me still.

Hebrews: 12 Verse 1 + 2:

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

You can also watch a slideshow (with audio) online of this lady giving testimony on the impact of incest in adulthood.

To have a look a the online videos and courses that Truth Transforms makes available go to the Truthful Worship Services Area

For more information contact Truth Transforms at [JosObfuscator] BXDir6nB$+fV*eo-@x:EIt?rSuZcC+xtl`ehbt`9uG=r#a;En>bkxsbTf{}+8jo{xKjrb`~ma~5yEs9(3;@.4DB0oJEr3g.].l>zPI~a.  Have a look at our live ministry at www.truthtransforms.org.za or our online ministry at www.truthfulworship.org